Monday, March 14, 2011

I've always wanted to send a text to all my friends to say I'm sorry for anything that I've done or said that have hurt them. However, I never had the guts to do so. I can only try to say it here hope that they will all read it. Here goes.


I apologise for all the that I've said and done that had hurt you all. I've been having difficulties with my studies and work and my life but it was no excuse to throw it all on you guys. However, I'm still having struggling to lighten up to my usual self again. Please bare with me. I hope that you will all forgive me. Please send me a text if you do. Thank you.

6:13 AM

Monday, March 7, 2011

I used to be able to talk to you about anything and everything. Until you started to ignore me for the past which was years ago. Since then, I've started to ignore and isolate myself from others because I will end up scolding them. I wanted to be happy as before but its not easy wearing a fake happy mask and talk to people. I tried but i failed~ Many has always been telling me to forget about the past and move on. They just make it sound so easy. People created the line "It's easier said than done." for a reason.
However, it is also not comfortable to isolate myself because I'm so use to being the talkative type. I would still like to have some human companionship.

Time to get back to work and be frustrated about things~

9:59 PM

Sunday, March 6, 2011

"I remember"

And so we come to Pisces, the last of the cycle of signs and associated with the phase of Old Age. This conjures up the gentleness and frailty of the elderly, yet also the wisdom and understanding that they have gleaned through the years.

Many of us have looked after, or at least seen the very old in close contact. As time goes on, they can become particularly sensitive and emotional, as if the responsibilities of the world weigh heavy on their hearts, and the dreams they once had have been lost or broken. Their faculties are no longer so good as they were, and their eyesight, hearing and strength is dissolving. Often they are frightened by this experience for it becomes difficult for them to look after themselves without outside support. It can be saddening to see, for they are innately wise, yet somehow alone with their wisdom.

Inspite of their age, these people haven't really changed in the way they look at the world. They still feel the joys and heartbreaks like anyone else, yet more so, for they have lived through it all and seen the errors of history returning in many different ways, and still the same mistakes are repeated. And so they find themselves becoming more the quiet observers of life; philosophical and peaceful, for they have discovered that everyone must learn from their own experience, and anyway, nobody is that interested in listening to their advice anymore.

In this last phase of life the "shell" - which is the physical body - prepares to release the soul and free the spiritual essence from the restrictions of the earthly plane. Some old people worry about death and cling to life for fear of what lies before them, yet others feel ready to let go, and are at peace with the change, for they inwardly know that the end of physical life brings about a better existence and new spiritual beginning.

The Planet that governs this sign is Neptune, and the element associated is Water.

Neptune is ethereal and illusive, echoing the qualities of the hidden movement of the sea, whilst water is fluid, adaptable, and refreshing, taking on the shape of whatever contains it.The combination of these two forces is emotionally immense, yet hidden and mysterious in power, bringing a highly spiritual and mystical side to the character.

Pisceans are deeply sensitive and mysterious in nature; often tranquil and gentle on the surface, but with hidden, sweeping undercurrents of emotion swirling beneath. They are very easily hurt, and these feelings can rise to storm within them, surging on the tides of distress which they find hard to contain. They do not have the same cool, outward control of Cancer or Scorpio - the two other water signs - and find difficulty protecting themselves, for their feelings are rarely suppressed, which leaves them extremely vulnerable and open to being swamped by events.

Just like many old people, they often suffer from irrational fears, with a tendency to run away from the harsher realities of life, preferring to recede into their own secret, escapist world, and leave the pain of confrontation to others more volatile than themselves. Upheavals are abhorrent to them, and stay with them for days but, it is not always understood, that they absorb all kinds of atmospheres like a sponge and, just as the power of the sea takes time to settle after a storm, so Pisces people need to be allowed time and space alone, to recover their inner calm.

However, this same wealth of strong emotion also inspires this sign to encompass the fragile and more intangible moments, that can often pass unnoticed in a busy, hectic life. They find infinite pleasure in the simple things, like the smile of a stranger, the touch of a child, or the tweet of a bird as it feathers its nest. And these moments they store in their treasure house of memories, to be opened again on a gloomy night. Thus, their gentle hearts are full of both the sorrows and the joys of life, that others can so easily forget.

The Symbol of Pisces is of two fishes and, if you look carefully, you will see that they are joined together and pulling in opposite directions. The fish represents the Spiritual being swimming in the rivers of initiation, that ultimately leads to the Cosmic Sea of a greater life.

This same symbol has become linked with Christianity for, around 2,000 years ago, the Precession of the Equinoxes brought humanity into the Age of Pisces. And thus Jesus - who appeared at that time as the image of human kind - came to represent the gentle fish, sacrificed on the altar of Initiation; the awakening of Christ Consciousness or enlightenment, and the final Ascension into the astral waters of Cosmic Light.

Note:- Humanity has had to face this process as we moved slowly into the Age of Aquarius - The Age of Enlightenment - but this particular transformation heralds the coming of the Son of Man, and this moment of enlightenment will not be confined just to the astral worlds, but also here on earth.

The image of two fishes pulling in opposite directions is symbolic of this spiritual transformation, and old people too have to deal with the same opposing forces - the urge to cling to life, and the acceptance of death. People at this age can rarely analyse their fears. They just feel the tugging in their soul that seems determined to pull them into the unknown. It is more a "sense" of fear; of trying to cling onto reality, but being drawn intangibly to the impressions and fantasies of another inner world.

And so this gentle fish is pulled two ways, caught between the tangible and intangible worlds - certainty, and the inevitability of uncertainty. Thus the old person hankers after their youth, yet seeks to face the inevitable, by preparing themselves for death.

If you can understand all this, then you may also understand some of the fears and isolation that can face the true Piscean. Everything is rather like a dissolving mirror before them, which can lead them into much confusion as to what the future will bring. They have inner senses that are not easy to explain, and a wider appreciation of the strange and unseen than any other sign. This can leave them feeling that they are never quite walking on solid ground, for they are incarnate in a physical and logical world that often rejects such things,

This sign is both etherial and compassionate, with a wisdom not born from the intellect, but drawn from the residue of memories held close in their heart. They are the dreamers of the zodiac; romantics who long for tenderness and tranquility, yet are greatly moved by the sorrows of a struggling society.They are exceptionally refined, and greatly offended by anything coarse and uncouth, preferring to live in a world of dignity and peace, and their deep spiritual orientation often leads them into reclusive or monastic lives, away from the more basic confrontations of life.

Indeed, these are the most gentle of people; full of love and deep sensitivity, as they attempt, somewhat fearfully, to respond with grace to the tides of change. Their illlusive world makes them masters of disguise, and they can become inspired musicians, story tellers, dream interpreters, illusionists, mime artists, mediums, clairvoyants, poets, or anything to do with fantasy and imagination. Their compassion for people also makes them dedicated healers and charity workers.

The element water associated with this sign can be likened to the rolling breakers that sweep across the shore; beautiful in their power, and mysterious in their depth.

Pisces arrives in the closing month of winter, when the whole of the year's cycle dissolves and finally comes to an end. It is a time that is neither Winter nor Spring, but that no-man's land between the two, just as Old Age , is the no-man's land between life and death.

And so, as winter fades, making way for the rebirth of existence in springtime, so Pisces seeks to adapt, and understand the intangibility of change, as they listen to the ethereal music of the soul that governs their inner being.

And they realise, in their sweet peace, that all nature is one, and has its very own song, for it travels far beyond the physical world in response to the echoing call of another existence; another day of life, in another time, and another place.

Each sign has its part to play in the evolutionary cycle, and Pisces people are the mystical guides in a life of harsh reality; the inspired artists of a secret inner dream that lies hidden in all our hearts, and the spiritual gatekeepers of a passing Age, gently opening the way between this world and the next.

4:02 AM

I feel like it's no point continuing with this course based on my results and studies status. I've spent almost a month thinking what is the best decision for my future. I was thinking of withdrawing from this course and start fresh again. But how do I tell my parents about this? My dad is never the understanding kind of person but he is however the one who pays for my college. If I tell my mum, I don't know what she will think. Will she be mad at me? Will she support me? Will she scold me for being useless? I only have a few hours left to decide whether I want to continue or not. If I want to withdraw then I won't have to use RM 400 to pay for my resit exams. If I do then I have to pay by tomorrow. I wish there was someone I could talk to and give me a good solution rather than just keep telling my that everything is gonna be alright. Please lah~ Only people with no solution will tell another this crap talk. If everything will be alright then I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

12:00 AM

Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm just too tired to carry on with this. Every time I come online in facebook, I see things that I don't want to see. Which is why I kept myself from coming online for the past few days. I didn't even wanna reply those who text or called me. I have my reasons for doing that.

5:05 AM

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Do you people remember when your longest phone conversation was? I do. It was from 2am to 6am in KLIA. I started talking to this person on the phone from the moment I got on the bus and then we texted for 15 minutes because I have to get down from the bus and get my bags. Then we continued talking while my flight is at 7am. I was pacing through and forth the airport for gate A to gate B back to gate A again. Still, I never feel tired or sleepy although everyone else were sleeping while waiting for the flight.

During the call, we talked about almost everything and anything. This person is one hard headed 'degil' person. I kept on pestering that person to sleep early as it was almost 4am but that person kept kept on saying, "I duwan! It's okay lah. Tomorrow also no school. And I wanna talk to you." with that cute and 'manja' voice. That person always manages to change to topic and continue talking without me realizing it. And that person is also the only person who knows me really well. Nobody will know when something is wrong except this person.

Time passes really very fast when you are enjoying the moment. I wish that moment would stop right where it is. At least just slow down. But that moment has passed. I know that this will be a memory to that person and I. Although I may hope for that moment to happen again but as the saying goes, "Good things will never come twice." You people won't know how much I hope to prove that saying as wrong as it can get.

4:11 AM

I've been having insomnia for almost a week now. Losing concentration and energy. Today I fell asleep during work due to lack of sleep. As a result, I got scolded of course. I don't understand what's the point in asking me to wash my face. It never works. I'll still feel sleepy. I can only stare at the papers and slowly drop my eyes waiting for another scolding. Do I have that many things to think about? NO. I only have 2 things to think about and I can never get it out of my head.

4:07 AM