Thursday, February 24, 2011
Do you people remember when your longest phone conversation was? I do. It was from 2am to 6am in KLIA. I started talking to this person on the phone from the moment I got on the bus and then we texted for 15 minutes because I have to get down from the bus and get my bags. Then we continued talking while my flight is at 7am. I was pacing through and forth the airport for gate A to gate B back to gate A again. Still, I never feel tired or sleepy although everyone else were sleeping while waiting for the flight.
During the call, we talked about almost everything and anything. This person is one hard headed 'degil' person. I kept on pestering that person to sleep early as it was almost 4am but that person kept kept on saying, "I duwan! It's okay lah. Tomorrow also no school. And I wanna talk to you." with that cute and 'manja' voice. That person always manages to change to topic and continue talking without me realizing it. And that person is also the only person who knows me really well. Nobody will know when something is wrong except this person.
Time passes really very fast when you are enjoying the moment. I wish that moment would stop right where it is. At least just slow down. But that moment has passed. I know that this will be a memory to that person and I. Although I may hope for that moment to happen again but as the saying goes, "Good things will never come twice." You people won't know how much I hope to prove that saying as wrong as it can get.
4:11 AM
I've been having insomnia for almost a week now. Losing concentration and energy. Today I fell asleep during work due to lack of sleep. As a result, I got scolded of course. I don't understand what's the point in asking me to wash my face. It never works. I'll still feel sleepy. I can only stare at the papers and slowly drop my eyes waiting for another scolding. Do I have that many things to think about? NO. I only have 2 things to think about and I can never get it out of my head.
4:07 AM
I'll back off. I just want us to remain the way it was before any this happened.
3:40 AM
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I'm reading your message over and over again. The more times I read it the more hurt I get. It's definitely my fault. I know I've been repeating this over and over again but it's a fact. It's not that I don't want to let you go but it's because I can't. All I will do is just love of you quietly and not pushing you to make any decisions.
4:50 AM
From what you wrote, it means that we still have feelings for each other. I'm not asking for you to take me back right away. We still have time and I will use that to get your trust back. I know it won't be easy but it's a chance I'm willing to take. You said I truly know you well but I want to truly know you best. I no longer want to put on the fake mask as I did before.
I want to prove to you that the previous guy who hurt you will be the last guy who will hurt you. You said you don't dare to take the risk but I can assure you that the risk will be worth it if you take it. No matter how many months or years it takes, I'll be here. I just hope that you will reply my text again and just talk like normal again without any awkwardness.
You may have ask me not to regret but it was my fault for hurting you and not appreciating the chance we had before this. It took us so long to get back together in 2007 but I simply bust that chance. Up till now, I feel a million stab in my heart when I think about how much I've hurt you.
P.S. My birthday wish was for 'Star' and I to start everything all over again.
P.P.S. Everything went bad ever since I saw that post. Everything.
P.P.P.S. To 'Star'- It's not your fault for what is happening now. It's my punishment for my wrong doings and I deserve it. So don't feel bad.
3:29 AM
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Star wrote this: "Sometimes it’s better to push someone away, not because you stopped loving that someone but because there comes a point that you have to shield yourself from pain."
Are you referring that to me??? If only I were to ask you to read my blog. You must still be thinking that I am the same guy from high school. I am not him anymore. I've changed. I'm trying to ask for one last chance but the shield has already been raised. What's the point then? I did try giving up but I hope that my patience will be worth and it wont let me down. I'll be willing to use my time and energy to get things going again.
We were off with a great start since Chinese New Year. You were starting to open up to me again. What happen?? Why did you think of the past again after so many years? I know you might be thinking that I can let it go because I was the one who hurt you. You might not know that till this very day I am still regretting what I did. It hurts me so much to know that I've hurt you so deeply.
2:02 AM
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Looks like I'm gonna be alone again. For a long time.......... Things seem to be looking very wrong since 27 December 2008. That was the night I went for National Service and the night I did the worst thing. Maybe I've been watching or reading too much about always having a back up. If I wasn't being so greedy and think properly, I didn't need that back up. I already had 'Star' waiting for me to come back from National Service but just 4 days before my birthday, I called 'Star' to talk to her. So happened that the 'Back up' posted about our status in her blog. I knew from that very moment that it was over but I didn't want it to be. I tried begging her back but all trust was lost.
When 'Star' hung up the phone, I punched the wall till my hand bled but I was too sad to feel pain that time. I lost all appetite for 3 days in the camp and was admitted to the clinic because I was too weak. One of my camp trainer knew about my situation and gave me advise and support. I was back on my feet soon. I was determined to be the best male trainee there that I joined in to every single event and kept good relation with everyone. When the time came, the award was given to a malay who was caught stealing and smoking in camp. Talk about racism.
From then on, I knew. There may be hard workers but there may not bring good outcome to them. Might as well give up when it gives you nothing. I've lost hope in practically everything. For the past few years, I've been failing in everything I do. At first I thought maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. Just last year, I tried very very hard to get what I wanted but turns out my theory was right. I was extremely close to totally giving up and just throw in the towel. My friends gave me some encouragement to keep going as it was about to end anyway.
I could go on but as I am, tears are rolling. It's better to stop now. I might continue talking about it in the future.
'Star'- When I look up at the clear night skies with stars and moon, I'll think of you.
8:46 AM
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Tomorrow Chinese New Year lu... I have a feeling its gonna be a quiet and boring one. Plus, the ang pau is gonna be small. Hopefully there will be something to do with my friends in that period.
I have nothing to upload for now. All I did for the week was cleaning, fixing, cleaning, helping, more cleaning, painting and more cleaning. And three days straight of badminton. It's actually quite tiring but i keep sleeping late and waking up early so I probably look like crap.
P.S. I'm still missing you after so long
9:47 PM
