Sunday, February 6, 2011
Looks like I'm gonna be alone again. For a long time.......... Things seem to be looking very wrong since 27 December 2008. That was the night I went for National Service and the night I did the worst thing. Maybe I've been watching or reading too much about always having a back up. If I wasn't being so greedy and think properly, I didn't need that back up. I already had 'Star' waiting for me to come back from National Service but just 4 days before my birthday, I called 'Star' to talk to her. So happened that the 'Back up' posted about our status in her blog. I knew from that very moment that it was over but I didn't want it to be. I tried begging her back but all trust was lost.
When 'Star' hung up the phone, I punched the wall till my hand bled but I was too sad to feel pain that time. I lost all appetite for 3 days in the camp and was admitted to the clinic because I was too weak. One of my camp trainer knew about my situation and gave me advise and support. I was back on my feet soon. I was determined to be the best male trainee there that I joined in to every single event and kept good relation with everyone. When the time came, the award was given to a malay who was caught stealing and smoking in camp. Talk about racism.
From then on, I knew. There may be hard workers but there may not bring good outcome to them. Might as well give up when it gives you nothing. I've lost hope in practically everything. For the past few years, I've been failing in everything I do. At first I thought maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. Just last year, I tried very very hard to get what I wanted but turns out my theory was right. I was extremely close to totally giving up and just throw in the towel. My friends gave me some encouragement to keep going as it was about to end anyway.
I could go on but as I am, tears are rolling. It's better to stop now. I might continue talking about it in the future.
'Star'- When I look up at the clear night skies with stars and moon, I'll think of you.
8:46 AM
